Would-Be Fiancée Not Impressed By Activist Boyfriend’s Lollipop Ring

A political activist obsessed with global human rights issues is experiencing a human relations disaster with his longtime girlfriend after proposing to her using a diamond-shaped lollipop ring instead of the real thing.

“Companies like De Beers in South Africa have warehouses full diamonds stockpiled,” an energized Cory Matthews explains. “They have a monopoly on the market, they hold back supply to increase demand, which increases prices to obscene levels. All this profiteering on the backs of virtual slave labor, the blacks toiling and dying in the mines. And then there’s blood diamonds, don’t even get me started.”

So when it came time to proposing to fellow activist and girlfriend of six years Kimberly Hines, Mr. Matthews thought she would understand his political stance. “I simply did not believe that in order to profess my love to Kim that I had to support this immoral industry. Look, she and I have chained ourselves to trees in South America, we’ve spray-painted our initials within a heart onto a seal’s back—we’ve been through a lot, I thought I knew her really well.”

But Kimberly, when presented with the tasty red lollipop, burst into tears and buried her dreadlock-covered head in her lap.

“What can I say? I guess despite all the feminism I’ve still got a little bit of female left in me,” Ms. Hines admits. “I love Cory very much, I want to be with him forever. But a lollipop? Surely he could have done something a bit more romantic, like a hemp necklace strung with organic beads that say ‘Will you marry me?’ or something.”

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