Older Homosexual Administers First AIDS To New Trophy Boyfriend

When 45-year-old Jeremy Acres returned to his bedroom after slipping into something more comfortable to find his 18-year-old date Tyler Tubbs naked and breathing passionately on the bed, the HIV-positive former lifeguard knew what to do.

He immediately threw off his silk bathrobe, dove under the sheets, and performed life-taking first AIDS. When mouth-to-mouth only increased his young charge’s crisis, Acres proceeded to start the bleeding. This technique achieved the desired result and Mr. Tubbs will soon be applying for government benefits to pay for this medication.

Meanwhile Mr. Acres has been awarded the Tom of Finland Almond Joy-Thigh of Bravery medal for his heroic deeds.

Playing Tit For Tat With Israel, Muslim World Launches “Death Wish Palestine” Program

Taking a cue from the Zionist organization Birthright Israel, which sponsors trips to the Holy Land for young adult Jews, Muslim leaders seeking to institute their own version of the program have launched Death Wish Palestine.

The new program aims to increase young Muslims’ sense of solidarity and identity by showing them many of the sacred Islamic sites in Palestine. The weeklong trip culminates with each participant having a suicide belt strapped to his chest, then being dropped off at a porous section of the Israeli border where he must seek a bus or crowded shopping area to detonate.

If this program proves as successful as its Jewish counterpart, neutral foreign investors will consider launching similar programs such as Void Visit for atheists, Plate Donate for Christians, and Cow Caress for Hindus.

Man Dies After Mild Skirmish With Cancer

Terrance Hill of Baltimore passed away last night after a mild skirmish with cancer. The divorced office manager was 38 years old.

Mr. Hill was diagnosed with stomach cancer eight months ago but repeatedly postponed treatment sessions. But finally, two weeks ago he reported to Maryland General Hospital seeking relief for grinding intestinal pain which made it difficult for him to eat, walk, and complete standing backflips.

Here he engaged cancer in a mild skirmish before being defeated and forced to pull back into a defensive position inside an urn, much like during the Civil War Battle of Middleburg in 1863, when a Union-led skirmish at Pot House forced William “Grumble” Jones’s Confederates to retreat.

Hill will be remembered by his surviving parents and ex-wife as a man whom they knew who died.

Greatcock Furniture Hopes to Dethrone Industry Leader Badcock

With over 300 retail locations in seven southeastern states, Badcock Home Furniture is an industry powerhouse. The W.S. Badcock Corporation, established in 1904 in Mulberry, Florida, credits its strength to a strong network of dealer owned and operated stores.

But now Greatcock Furniture, a burgeoning rival retail chain, hopes to dethrone the reigning champ. Founded by Chip Frederickson, a third generation furniture maker, the new company is taking an optimistic focus to the business.

“Look at our competitors,” Mr. Frederickson explains. “From the instant you look at the sign outside the store you get a bad taste in your mouth. Who wants bad cock? That’s why we’re turning that concept on its head. We offer great cock!”

The new chain will be opening 25 stores in Florida and Georgia next month, hoping to soften up the competition before expanding further.

Condoms From Dollar Store Probably Not Worth The Savings

Fresh out of college, Earl Martin moved to the Los Angeles area last month to pursue a career in screenwriting. He packed his life into his 1997 Nissan Maxima and moved into a studio apartment in North Hollywood, where rent is high and decent-paying jobs for fresh American imports are scarce. That’s why discovering the 99 Cents Only chain story was a godsend.

“It’s this huge store packed with everything from tupperware to canned food to detergent. And nothing is more than 99 cents! With all the inflation there’s been in the past few years, I just can’t believe there’s a store so cheap.”

But of the thousands of affordable and useful products 99 Cents Only stores carry, there is one item Mr. Martin will not be purchasing: condoms.

“Hey man, I appreciate the fact they strive to carry everything, but if I get some chick pregnant because I wanted to save a couple bucks on condoms… I don’t know if I’d even do that to one of my characters.”

Native Americans Defile Ancient Dinosaur Burial Ground

According to a dinosaur rights activist, the Northern Arapaho Indian tribe is guilty of defiling a sacred ancient dinosaur burial ground two years ago when it expanded the Wind River Casino in Riverton, Wyoming.

“These dinosaurs rested peacefully for tens of millions of years before being disturbed and corrupted by greedy casino owners,” proclaims Gillian Carmichael, a 38-year-old dinosaur rights activist from Montana. “These so-called Native Americans have adopted the same soulless ways of European-descended whites. It’s no wonder we see the curses befalling them today.”

Originally opened it in 1992, the casino has witnessed a series of strange events that have taken place in and around its new wing since late 2005. Gamblers have reported hearing screeching sounds in the bathrooms which resemble the noises dinosaurs made in the Jurassic Park movies. One couple returned to their car after an evening of playing slots to find a giant mud footprint on the hood.

Carmichael explains: “No doubt the spirits of these dinosaurs have been awakened from their peaceful slumber. I mean, when I’m awoken from a deep slumber I’m very cranky—can imagine how mad you’d be if someone woke you up after 60 million years?

“The implications,” she continues, “are mind-boggling. Where on the planet can one go and do anything without upsetting some ancient spirit? Be it the wooly mammoths of the tundra, the trilobites at the bottom of the sea, or Neanderthal remains in Italian caves, the earth is teeming with souls we must not disturb at all costs. Otherwise prepare to be haunted forever!”

Heavy Metal Music Blamed for All-Day Apartment Cleaning

It was a gruesome scene Saturday morning at the Sacramento apartment shared by Aaron Mills, 24, and Brett Kelly, 22. The pair had hosted a birthday party for Kelly’s girlfriend Maya the night before, and the bachelor pad was now a wasteland of beer cans, pizza boxes, and spilled potato chips.

But six hectic hours later Mills and Kelly had completely cleaned up the mess, even going so far as to scrub down the bathroom and clean out stovetop grease and grit dating back to previous tenants. Sources can reveal that heavy metal music is being blamed for this unprecedented act of all-day apartment cleaning that has left the world in shock, existential crisis, and general stupefaction.

“It went on all day,” says chilled-to-the-bone neighbor Andrea Mendez. “Right at ten o’clock you could hear that music coming from their apartment. And it didn’t let up until late in the afternoon when they came out smiling carrying beer boxes and bags of trash. I can’t believe that with the evil power heavy metal possesses that they still haven’t banned it.”

Mills freely acknowledges the music’s power. “We woke up all hung-over and couldn’t believe the mess. That’s when Brett popped in ‘Rust in Peace’ and I knew it was on.”

Details remain sketchy but the roommates agree that over the course of the day they cycled through a sick mix of the aforementioned speed metal, melodic Swedish death metal, German power metal, old school Florida death metal, and even some obscure Czech dark metal for good measure. By the end of it all, their black hearts had brought much-needed spic and span to an apartment in chaos.

UPS Launches New Hitchhiker Shipping Option

Noting the improved delivery time of its traditionally inefficient Ground Shipping service in recent years, leading shipping company UPS has added a new slower option, Hitchhiker Shipping.

“We’re reaching out to the customers we lost who saw UPS Ground as their choice for inexpensive rates and extremely poor delivery time,” says company spokesman Christopher Judge. “We are confident that Hitchhiker Shipping will bring them back.”

The UPS press release includes a map of the United States with several common shipping routes mapped out as a package would be handled via the new service. For example, an 8 lb. box going from New Jersey to Chicago would be handed to a hitchhiker heading west on Highway 76, who would in turn carry it with him through his destination in Cleveland. There the package would change hands at a homeless shanty town, where it may go north, south, east or west. Since the word “Chicago” was written on the box in permanent marker back at the New Jersey UPS facility, the package would eventually find its way to the destination city. Then it would only be a matter of time before it got to its recipient.

Longtime package sender and loving grandmother Doris Means is ecstatic about the Hitchhiker Service. “I can’t tell you how many times I sent out a birthday gift to one of my grandchildren with UPS Ground, only to have it arrive a week before their birthday. Then the kids open it right up and everything is spoiled! But now thanks to UPS Hitchhiker I never have to worry about that again—when the gift arrives two weeks after their birthday smelling like beer and poop, the kids have built up so much excitement and anticipation they’re overjoyed with whatever I’ve sent.”

FedEx and DHL both declined comment on their competitor’s bold move.

Chertoff Terror Risk Warning Stems From ‘Butt Feeling’

After facing a day of heat since declaring an increased terror threat in the US, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff admitted this afternoon that it was simply a “butt feeling.”

“We all know that since I hold dual American and Israeli citizenship that my allegiance is not to be trusted,” Chertoff began. “Therefore I am full of shit, and the terror warning came from the butt. And when I get a butt feeling of this magnitude, I simply must let it burst out, no matter how loud and uncomfortable it may be for others.”

When asked whether he has any belief in his mind, rather than the gut or butt, about the likelihood of an impending terrorist attack in America, Secretary Chertoff said, “Well, since the 9/11 attacks which we pinned on Muslims, we’ve invaded two Arab countries while simultaneously leaving our 2000-mile southern border completely unguarded. If there aren’t any terrorists in the country by now…I guess we’ll just have to try harder with the next fake attack.”

Southern Town Looking to Squeeze in a Couple More Churches

Boasting a population of 44,000 and home to 885 Christian churches, city planners in Teakusville, TN, are desperately trying to squeeze in “just a couple more churches.”

This according to Mayor Michael Hornborough, who says, “Just like a body during cold, lonely winter nights, the soul also needs blanket coverage. And that’s what we here in Teakusville have sought to do, fill our city with the ubiquitous presence of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Real estate in this small southern town has been scarce recently, but city planner Dave Bell says practicalities should never stop those inspired by the spirit of God. “We hope to convert an abandoned mine shaft into a kind of tunnel to the Lord,” Bell says. “Then we’ve got a railroad crossing that only gets about three trains a week—surely we can put something there and be mindful that someone is always keeping a lookout.”

When asked whether anyone living in Teakusville is not a churchgoing Christian the mayor was shocked. “Who? Do you know their names? How many?” Hornborough shouted. He immediately called Bell on the phone demanding that 24 more churches be erected.

Superior News Service

more likely than mainstream

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