Photographer Snaps Picture Of Homeless Man, All Social Problems Solved
When Max Reid saw a shoeless homeless man lying in the grass last week, the freelance photographer knew what an opportunity had presented itself. With little fanfare he whipped out his Canon EOS 12.8 Mega Pixel Digital Camera and snapped the shot soon to be heard round the world.
Three days later the Denver Post published his photo on the front page of its Tuesday edition, and instantly the nation’s social problems were solved. Poverty, drug addiction, mental illness—all cleaned up with the click of a shutter.
“I feel so honored,” says a smiling Reid. “To have stumbled upon this sick, frail man and been able to do so much for
Congress took notice of this amazing development by committing $8 billion that had been earmarked for mental health for the upcoming assault on
Former Asylum Attendant Cashes In On Inmate’s Invention
Tyrone James, former attendant at
“Man, this cracker be pooping his pants talking about ‘eternal bulbs’ and shit. Once he tried to fight me with one of them fluorescent ceiling lights.”
But impressions aside, one weekend James proposed Edwards’s idea to his nephew Michael Willis, a PhD engineering student at the
“Man, I ain’t never forcing pills down no nutcase’s throat ever again,” a jubilant James says. “All those suicidal fools running around talking about Martians…peace!”
Something Very Bad Is About To Happen, So Here’s An Article About Princess Diana
Government officials have been talking very seriously about the possibility of a terrorist attack this summer. The
Born Diana Frances Spencer in 1961 to members of the British aristocracy, blah blah blah, don’t pay attention to the signals that foretell difficult times ahead. She had four siblings, though one died at birth, blah blah blah, did you ever consider how convenient it is for the government to warn about terrorism and then what do you know, it happens? Crazy coincidence or what!
She married Prince Charles in 1981, blah blah blah, did you ever consider that if a major attack occurred which even temporarily derailed the economy, you would need supplies such as food, water, first aid, even firearms to protect you and your family?
She died in a suspicious traffic accident on August 31, 1997, blah blah blah, you too may die unceremoniously if our what de-Matrixed minds foresee as coming to pass before the 2008 elections indeed happens. Diana, we miss you, rest in peace.
Sex Offenders Register For A Chance To Win
“The idea behind the prize,” says county supervisor Keisha Johnson, “is that many of these offenders prey upon children. Now, the tricycle is a form of bait, it entices the demented side of their brains to the point that it overpowers the more rational side which would be hesitant to be entered into our system.”
So far the ploy has been a great success in just its first three days, with over 5,000 sex offenders having already dutifully registered.
“Yeah, I can’t wait to get my hands on that tricycle,”
Man Does Not Find ABC Drama Thought-Provoking Enough To Come Out Of Coma
Carl Henderson was injured in car accident last fall which left him in a coma. His wife Angela has sat beside him daily at the Centreville,
“Anne Heche was always one of our favorite actresses, so I just can’t believe that he doesn’t find the show thought-provoking enough to warrant waking up from that damn coma. We watch it together on ABC every Thursday night from ten to eleven, and darned if I don’t think after every episode, ‘Maybe this is the one where he’ll respond.’ But when the season finale came and went without as much as a twitch of an eyelid, I wondered if maybe I’d lost my Carl for good.”
Staff nurse Betsy Childress notes that all patients respond to different stimuli and in their own time, so it’s best not to rush a trauma victim into health.
“Just last week in the morning I had the TV tuned to some station showing a swimsuit modeling show,” Childress says, “and what do you know, Mr. Anderson had an erection! That Anne Heche is getting older, maybe the Missus ought to find something more enticing to watch, something that will give him a reason to live again.”
Israel Opens First Sane Asylum
Despite existing for over 50 years in one of the all around craziest places on earth,
Psychologist Miriam Abraham, staff member at the Golem Chabad facility, relates
“Right now we see more and more people who do not like the constant tension of terrorist threats, they do not like having to join the military at age 18, they even dislike our own government’s policies. It is obvious that these people are totally sane and we must take appropriate action.”
The facility was designed to house 300 people but in the first two weeks since opening it has nearly doubled capacity, with patients being forced to sleep in shifts.
“Wow, things are getting as crazy in here as they were back home,” says patient Emil Rosen with a sigh. “I think it’s time to go back to
Man Dispatches Tattered Pair Of Boxer Shorts With Full Military Honors
At sunset on Sunday evening, systems analyst Seth Patrick took the time to honor a fallen comrade: a pair of checkered boxer shorts which had lasted for six years.
“Those boxers saw me through the end of college, several girlfriends, a move halfway across the county, countless farts—and all the while only getting softer and softer,” a teary Patrick recounts. “I even sewed up a split along the leg seam two years ago—that was like giving them a heart transplant.”
But eventually even these loyal underpants had to take a final lap, and Seth recounts their tragic last morning alive. “I was playing pickup basketball with my friends when I went for a layup, collided with a defender and fell down awkwardly. I heard a nasty rip and I knew it was all over.”
In honor of the boxers, which came as part of a 3-pack he bought at a JC Penney back in 2001, Mr. Patrick held a moment of silence then dropped them folded into the flowing Colorado River. One wonders how many naval burials at sea have been as moving.
Unattractive Middle-Aged Man Goes Missing
Bernie Heller, an unattractive construction worker in his early forties, has gone missing. No local news channels from his hometown of
Heller was last seen leaving Duke’s Bar two Saturdays ago by his friends Jake and Mike, and when he didn’t show up to work three days in a row his boss began to worry.
So far CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, ABC Nightly News, NBC Nightly News, and CBS Evening News have all made no inquiries into his disappearance. However, MSNBC did carry a breaking story about a sexy blond college female who lost her cell phone.
Man Cited for Driving While Black Has A Long History of DWB’s
When
“What can I say?” pleads the 30-year-old file clerk. “I have a car, a job I need to get to, and a driver’s license. I just can’t help myself!”
And it is just that kind of attitude, says Deputy Kurt Miner, that gets black drivers into trouble. “I’ve actually pulled Mr.
But with over 30 million blacks in
According to Deputy Miner, “You just do what you can. You see a DWB, you cite him but you’ve gotta let him to drive away. In theory you could write him another ticket write there on the spot, but I feel we’re hamstrung very much like the Border Patrol agents down south. We’re more like catch-and-release fisherman than the police of old.”
Out of Office, Tony Blair Struggling To Leave That Stupid Grin Behind
It’s been two weeks since Tony Blair stepped down from his longtime post as British Prime Minister, but sources say he is still having trouble leaving certain aspects of the past behind.
Star Telegram staffer Hugh Connelly reports that, “Mr. Blair understood that after ten years in office he had become accustomed to a great many things that would change. We are hearing from people close to the Blairs that Tony has reconciled quite well with the end of his tenure but simply cannot leave that stupid grin behind.”
Blair’s grin, which became almost as notable as the contrast between his eloquent lies and George Bush’s bumblings, appears to have been the real crutch and backbone which saw him through the trying last years of his prime ministership. But now, with no country to rule and no cameras chasing him from all sides, that stupid grin is proving a stubbornly persistent vestigial limb. Nearly every candid photo taken of Blair in the past two weeks depicts the same stupidly grinning face as when he ruled the famed British nation.
“I have spoken to my God and resolved,” an emotional Tony Blair said to reporters yesterday, “that this Friday will be the last evening I and the grin spend together. I ask that you as respected members of the press respect our privacy during these emotional, trying times.”
Sources say the smile will be buried at the family plot in