Serial Killer Doesn’t Have a Middle Name
Kenneth Briggs is on trial for a two-week killing spree in late 2005 that covered four states that left six people dead. After intense media coverage, legal tap-dancing, and exhaustive psychological profiling, the only fact that has pretty much everyone mystified is why doesn’t Briggs have a middle name?
Criminal profiler Chad Coates explains: “Mr. Briggs has led a troubled life, but simply no one could have anticipated the head-chopping spree he went on—he doesn’t have a middle name, for Christ’s sake!”
Coates refers to the long history of notorious three-named killers like John Wayne Gacy, James Edward Pough, and Charles Fucking Manson.
Study: Every 13 Seconds Someone In US Sets Off His Own Car Alarm
In a definitive and exhaustive survey of drivers across the country, the New Hampshire-based Center for Automotive Research has conclusively proven that American drivers are virtually incapable of operating the very anti-theft devices that were invented, implemented, and installed to deter criminals. The proof: every 13 seconds someone trying to lock or get into his car activates the alarm.
“We were really amazed by the across-the-board demographic results,” says CAR statistician Everett Kelly. “Teenage girls, young women, middle-aged women—that’s who you would expect to account for 75 percent of the alarm activations. But no! They only accounted for 54 percent. White men of all ages, black women of all ages, illegal alien males with large rear spoilers, Korean women, San Francisco transgender drivers—you name it, no one seems able to figure it out.”
When asked if there were any demographical microcosm to be significantly immune from this mental affliction, Mr. Kelly paused deep in thought for several minutes before finally breaking his concentration with a deep smile.
“Car thieves! They are the only ones who know what they’re doing.”
Osama Bin Laden Touts Just For Men Endorsement In Latest Video
Osama Bin Laden, the world’s reigning Boogeyman for the past six years, has conveniently emerged from three years of seclusion just in time to scare complacent and skeptical Americans on the eve of another 9/11 anniversary. But while his rambling about taxes, Islam, and global warming are impressive enough, nothing has proven as soul-chilling as the announcement that he signed on as a Just For Men haircolor celebrity endorser.
“You infidels last saw me in 2004 as a feeble and graying man,” a defiant black-bearded Bin Laden proclaims, “but today I am the proud official spokesman for Just For Men. This company has brought much sexual joy to many Western men who wanted to fulfill sexual fantasies with younger women, and today’s partnership signals a new era for Muslim men who wish to impress their 72 doe-eyed virgins upon achieving martyrdom.”
Mr. Bin Laden proceeded to stroke his beard and smile for several minutes. The only audible sounds during this contemplative interlude came from his kidney dialysis machine, which was supplied by Gambro in a late 2001 endorsement while Bin Laden was holed up in the
Seagull Population Devastated By Landfill Closing
The once thriving population at the
Rough estimates from the Council of Scavenger Wildlife indicate that up to 75% of the 8,000 gulls may have already perished. “What we had was a symbiotic relationship between the environment and its creatures,” says CSW researcher Carl Clover. “Then one day the food source dried up unbeknownst to the birds, and just like when calamities take human populations by surprise, there is violent competition for survival.”
CSW recently began a campaign to relocate the still-living birds to
Guy Still Uses E-mail Address With “2000″ In It
Back in 1997 Kyle Mearson created a personal e-mail account which showed his excitement about the coming millennial celebrations: bigkyle2000@aol.com. Now, nearly seven years after that fateful date, he still uses this same e-mail address, much to the perplexity and concern of his friends.
Kristine Young sums up their opinion: “He was 16 at the time, and we were all excited about 2000. But now it’s like he’s living in the past and doesn’t even realize it.”
When pressed by SNS reporters for comment, a browbeaten Mearson at last said, “It’s not like it says 1999, so give me a break. At least I’ve got the century right!”
Nation’s Talking Heads Return From Summer Vacations, Calamity Forthcoming
As August comes to a close, the last of the nation’s hundreds of big- and small-name talking heads are returning from vacation and
But the important thing is that it did not occur during the summer, which is traditionally slow for the news cycle and bad for ratings. Now that all the reporters are back, American viewers will without a doubt know what to think about what happens.
Clint Green of
Ditech Sued for False Advertising in “People Are Smart” Campaign
Ditech, the Home Financing giant which came to prominence during the Refi boom of the early 2000s, has been sued for false advertising by
“Look around wherever you go,” he says. “At the mall, at a restaurant, on TV, everywhere, just listen. People are not smart. They are stupid.
“And especially when you look at the imploding real estate market. All the banks thought they could get away with giving loans to deadbeats, and now look where we are: mortgage companies are going bankrupt every week, millions of people are foreclosing on their homes, and stocks that bought into the scam are also falling. I hope you enjoyed 2002-2006, but you’re not going to feel so smart for the next few years.”
Ditech spokesperson Janine Meltz declined to comment until a verdict is reached. “We anticipate this little business to be thrown out of court. Because hey, judges are smart.”
Al-Qaeda Cell Successfully Completes Mitosis
FBI agents in
“It seems to have happened overnight, right under our noses,” says FBI spokesman Ted Hurtz. “But as soon as we realized that cytokinesis was impending, we immediately stepped up our surveillance efforts which revealed that the new cell will relocate to
As a result of this troubling news, Disney World and
“Clearly Al-Qaeda was tipped off by somebody about the nuclear warheads stored in the tunnels beneath our happy theme parks,” said Disney spokesman Jean Kellogg. “I won’t speculate as to who could have given this information to the terrorists, but let’s just say that I won’t be surprised if some Universal Studios execs happen to commit suicide this weekend.”
With Stocks Sharply Down, Brokers Around The Nation Rub Their Heads
In the wake of today’s brutal 311 point loss on the DOW, thousands of stock brokers around the nation were caught on camera sighing while rubbing their heads. The condition, known among financial aficionados as Gonna-have-to-find-a-real-profession-phobia, appears spontaneously every time stocks suddenly fall.
“There goes the house in
Meanwhile across the country in
Industry experts are especially concerned because after an extended period of disappointing stocks news results, brokers often end up shooting themselves in the now-tenderized heads.
Man Creates Universal Parking Permit at Kinko’s
Fed up with paying for parking at work, the mall, the stadium, and on the street, Los Angeles resident Kirk McDowell took matters into his own hands last week when he drove to a local Kinko’s and printed out a laminated Universal Parking Permit.
“I can’t tell you how many tickets I’ve gotten parking on the street for being two minutes late to feed the meter. So I said the time has come to take a stand, and I designed this universal permit on my computer, which declares that I can park anywhere I want for free forever.”
But problems arose immediately when McDowell took his date for dinner and a movie at The Grove in
“That was a crushing blow. To have such a powerful document, not to mention a glorious statement about men struggling to be free, to have it rebuked hurt real deep.”
But the hurt was only beginning: in the six days since he first printed the universal permit, McDowell has also gotten two tickets on the street and been punched in the face by the manager of a parking structure in downtown
“All brave men, all risk-takers are reviled at first. I will carry on my crusade against the tyranny of outrageous parking costs.”