Blackwater Security Guards Accused Of Taking Viagra During Wild Weekend At Baghdad Brothel
The madam of The Baathouse brothel in eastern
“I take good care of my girls and they are not used to the power and stamina of the Viagra Penis,” laments a visibly shaken Shada Al-Hasan. “I demand that Blackwater pay for the income lost due to the fact that my girls were occupied with them and not able to please other customers.”
Blackwater
Houses For Sale Burn In Latest Malibu Wildfire
In a posh neighborhood already hurting from the ongoing nationwide mortgage meltdown, residents who couldn’t sell their homes now look forward to claiming insurance money for them after fires fueled by the
“Our house was on the market for 18 months,” laments
Last month over a dozen wildfires raged throughout
Karen Braddock, whose home-for-sale was reduced to ashes, surveyed her charred block. “Here is where our for-sale sign was. Over there the Masons were trying to sell their house, across from them was the Steins’ house which was on the market it seems like forever, and then there were three in a row right over there, none would sell.”
High School Football Coaches Accused Of ‘Giving A Blow’ To Underage Players
Gerald Hawkins, third-year head coach of the
The camera then follows the next play on the field, and this is when police suspect the coaches took the opportunity to perform oral sex on the team member in question who had come to the sideline.
Investigating officer Dave Ellis says, “Unfortunately many coaches and other authority figures within school systems take advantage of children around the country. What is particularly shocking about this case is that these acts are alleged to have taken place out in the open with many potential witnesses, yet no one has come forward with any information which might aid us in our case against these sick men. Could the community be sanctioning this kind of behavior?”
Two of the three players involved are underage, and their identities cannot be revealed. The third, eighteen-year-old sophomore Maurice Carter, had very little to say about the events.
“Coach was keeping an eye on us out there, saw I needed a blow, and he gave it to me. What’s the big deal? That’s just part of his job.”
Both coaches declined our requests for an interview, but their lawyer did release a statement which read:
“Mr. Hawkins and Mr. Kell came to Sturgood to teach young athletes not just how to win in football, but lessons and examples about what it takes to survive and get ahead in the real world. They stand by their actions and come game-time, when faced with the same choice, would probably make the same decision.”
SNS has also learned of a second investigation into Mr. Hawkins regarding instructions he gave to the team after the game, in which he told them to “hit the showers.”
Tribute Song In The Works To Commemorate Kanye’s Mama’s Death
by Al Broker
The nation shed a collective tear this week upon learning of the untimely demise of famed hip-hop mother Donda West. West, who died after receiving sound medical advice and then ignoring that advice, was 58 years old.
Bob Pendergrass, of
Until this week, music fans had enjoyed a blissful window between Mama raps, and nobody could have predicted an ode de l’madre from Kanye, whose recent “Late Registration” track, “Hey Mama,” was expected to placate at least one artist’s
immediate need to cleverly verbalize such words as “drama,” “llama,” and “Obama.”
But tragedy can strike at any time. Sources close to the surviving West have stated off the record that Kanye “can’t wait to get in the studio and record the greatest Mama tribute since 1992, at least.”
One rap fan responded, “And we can’t wait to skip that song every time we listen to his next album, unless the beat is phat as phuck, that is.”
After 10 Years Of Obfuscation And Denial, Princess Diana’s Death Finally Ruled A Suicide
In what many are calling a long overdue acknowledgment by the British government, an official report has been released confirming that Princess Diana did in fact commit suicide.
“Today we hope to finally silence the wild speculations and conspiracy theories regarding the passing of this beautiful bright light that was the Princess of Wales,” said Scotland Yard spokesman Giles Perkins. “It was not reckless driving, it was not the paparazzi, nor was it a targeted assassination by members of the royal family so as to ensure that a Muslim did not come to power.”
Images released with the report for the first time show a bleeding Diana within the crushed car, where a pistol is seen in her left hand, a bottle of pills in her right, and a noose tied around her throat. A Photostat copy of Diana’s suicide note was also released. It reads:
“Now that I am free from Charles’s yoke and have found a loving relationship which has given me new vitality to continue my anti-landmine campaign, it only seems appropriate that I should end it all now while I am happy. It would be foolhardy to leave myself open to any future disappointments.”
Long Lost Stalin Memoirs Reveal The Heart Behind The Butcher’s Apron
Nearly 20 years after the fall of the Soviet Empire’s Iron Curtain, historians are still uncovering treasure troves of the regime’s pertinent documents. The latest such discovery? Diary memoirs written by Joseph Stalin during the final years of his life.
With entries entitled “I Kill Because I Love” and “Sending You to Freeze to Death in Siberia Hurts Me Far More than It Will Hurt You,” the infamous dictator reveals the hidden humanity that fueled his genocidal agenda.
“Insects cannot comprehend why our scientists would dissect them,” a June 1950 entry begins. “Likewise the people of the world are unable to grasp the larger structural picture that requires that I have them killed. I am often quoted as having said that one death is a tragedy and a million deaths is a statistic. But occasionally I do shed a tear after signing the orders that cause a village to be razed. Sometimes it is caused by a loose eyelash, but there is a tear.”
Sergei Ubarov, staff writer for Pravda’s history department, notes that these memoirs are small consolation for a nation still reeling from eighty years of Communist rule. “These sentiments show that though Stalin was less of a monster than we had imagined, it is only to the extant that he is no longer crazed Godzilla but still a really unpleasant Mothra.”
A diary entry from January 25, 1953, just weeks before Stalin’s death, gives perhaps the most revealing glimpse into the heart behind the butcher’s apron:
“I am not long for this world, but am at peace. I only regret that I had but forty million lives to extinguish for my country.”
Beloved Black Preacher Asked To Death By Madman
It was a gruesome scene outside of
Edward Davis witnessed the attack:
“Dude come out and just start aksing him all these questions. ‘Who was the third president of the
The attack lasted no more than a minute and the murderer escaped during the ensuing chaos. The police have no leads and Green’s widow
“We are all devastated by this senseless killing and I am aksing anyone who may know anything to please call in to the tip line. It’s anonymous, you don’t have to give your name. Just help, that’s all we aks.”
Children Of Chinese Migrating To US Through Mexico Refusing to Learn Spanish
Jenny Xu is furious at her two children, Lang and Chiu. The family fled from mainland
“All the way through
Expecting to arrive in
Big Brother’s Weekly Visit Not Enough To Leave Lasting Positive Impact On Inner City Teen’s Life
Fourteen-year-old Emilio Cortez’s father is in prison, his mother is addicted to drugs, and he lives in a rundown section of
“You know, where I come from,” a dejected Smith says, “everyone took care of each other, we all had yards and safe neighborhoods. When I moved to
Smith recounted how on a trip to the zoo Cortez paid little attention to the animals, rather slipping off with some shady characters behind a bathroom. Later at a Dodgers baseball game, the teenager managed to get his hands on two large beers. And finally, when Smith went to pick him up for a day at the Santa Monica Pier, Cortez was waiting for him in a black 2007 BMW.
“He had actually stolen the car that morning to show off to me, he thought I would be proud that he’d do something like that for me, for our special outing. I guess I just couldn’t reach him.”
Serial Killer Doesn’t Have a Middle Name
Kenneth Briggs is on trial for a two-week killing spree in late 2005 that covered four states that left six people dead. After intense media coverage, legal tap-dancing, and exhaustive psychological profiling, the only fact that has pretty much everyone mystified is why doesn’t Briggs have a middle name?
Criminal profiler Chad Coates explains: “Mr. Briggs has led a troubled life, but simply no one could have anticipated the head-chopping spree he went on—he doesn’t have a middle name, for Christ’s sake!”
Coates refers to the long history of notorious three-named killers like John Wayne Gacy, James Edward Pough, and Charles Fucking Manson.