US Postal Service Considers Taking Every Monday Off
Anyone who runs a mail-order business is painfully aware that the United States Postal Service (USPS) seems to be closed almost every other Monday, especially between Labor Day and President’s Day. Therefore it will come as no surprise that USPS officials are debating a new plan that would reduce customers’ exasperation and surprise by simply staying closed every Monday.
Spokesman Bryan Dunn says, “You have people who lose track of the holidays and so they drive all the way down to the post office, only to find that it’s closed for a wonderful celebration of our heritage. This new plan would etch in stone these wise words: Don’t go to the post office on Monday—ever.”
Mom-about-town Tina Cryer loves the idea: “I can’t tell you how many times I am on the road when it hits me. ‘Was last Monday Martin Luther King Day, or is today President’s Day?’ The rest of the drive is like playing roulette, red or black, no whammies, big bucks!”
But JR Callahan, who runs an Ebay antiques business, is unimpressed with the plan. “You know, I bust my butt finding inventory, listing auctions, shipping out fast, and generally providing great customer service. No salary, no bene’s (benefits), no paid days off—and these clowns at the post office, straight off the boat from Thailand, start at sixteen, twenty bucks an hour, they get overtime, health insurance, retirement, and 26 days of combined vacation and sick leave. Now they want another goddamned day off?”
Dunn acknowledges that some customers may not like the new proposal but says “they can always go somewhere else. Wait, no they can’t! We’re a government-enforced monopoly! Hahahaha!”
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