Military Recruiters Eyeing High School Sports Second Stringers as Top Draft Picks

With the new war season right around the corner, US military recruiters are scouting the nation’s high school sports facilities for hot new prospects. “We’re focusing primarily on landlocked states,” says Brigadier General Anthony Ford. “We find that people in the Midwest and Bible Belt Areas have a lower education level and higher propensity toward blind obedience under the banner of patriotism.”

With graduation just around the corner and the national economic outlook not very promising, many second-string high school senior athletes see joining the military as a perfect opportunity. Backup nose tackle Kyle Powers agrees.

“You mean I get paid to stay in shape, shower with all my buddies, see the world, and kill Arabs for our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Sign me up!”

General Ford concurs. “This is just the kind of winning attitude we’re looking for—no mercy, no pause for weighing other options like joining the fitness center at college, and blissfully unaware of the thousand terrible things that will probably happen to him once we invade Iran. Oops—!”

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