Spokesman Bryan Dunn says, “You have people who lose track of the holidays and so they drive all the way down to the post office, only to find that it’s closed for a wonderful celebration of our heritage. This new plan would etch in stone these wise words: Don’t go to the post office on Monday—ever.”

Mom-about-town Tina Cryer loves the idea: “I can’t tell you how many times I am on the road when it hits me. ‘Was last Monday Martin Luther King Day, or is today President’s Day?’ The rest of the drive is like playing roulette, red or black, no whammies, big bucks!”

But JR Callahan, who runs an Ebay antiques business, is unimpressed with the plan. “You know, I bust my butt finding inventory, listing auctions, shipping out fast, and generally providing great customer service. No salary, no bene’s (benefits), no paid days off—and these clowns at the post office, straight off the boat from Thailand, start at sixteen, twenty bucks an hour, they get overtime, health insurance, retirement, and 26 days of combined vacation and sick leave. Now they want another goddamned day off?”

Dunn acknowledges that some customers may not like the new proposal but says “they can always go somewhere else. Wait, no they can’t! We’re a government-enforced monopoly! Hahahaha!”

That’s when Danish paleontologist Jakob Jensen appeared, bearing a theory that dinosaurs were far more than the scaley, oversized housepets as portrayed in action-packed Hollywood thrillers like Jurassic Park 8: You Can’t Keep a Good Species Down.

“For many years of independent research I have been ignored and ridiculed,” Jensen explains, “but finally here is some definitive proof of what I have been saying: the dinosaurs not only had advanced intelligence, they were capable of space travel. The abundant fossil fuel on Saturn’s moon Titan reveals that this place must have been where they all went after getting bored with Earth. I never accepted the meteor theory anyway.”

Jensen believes sometime around 70 million years ago an immense convoy of Dino-Saucers took the entire array of dinosaur species across space to Titan, where they lived and played for perhaps another 10-30 million years before realizing that there was no air to breathe or vegetation to eat. He says the fossils we find on Earth today are from other dinosaurs that had “died previously of natural causes.”

Other controversial scientists say the Titan discovery gives credence to the idea that oil is abiotic, that it is a naturally occurring substance. They cite Russia’s recent success in drilling 40,000 feet deep in Siberia and finding enormous natural gas reserves. Jensen easily refutes this theory:

“You think if dinosaurs can travel through space they can’t dig a hole? They probably were researching the inner workings of the planetary core.”

This week Mrs. Anderson assumed another bold responsibility by joining the vanguard of American homes to place innocuous-looking hanging plants which house a hidden camera, distributed by Department of Homeland Security.

“We’ve got to do our part to fight the terrorists,” she says. “You never know where they might be hiding—on the couch, in the pantry, even in the coat closet waiting for the right time to strike! Now I feel safer…and I’m helping my country.”

DHS spokesman Kenneth Fast explained the new program’s logistics: “We’re calling it the HANG Program, which stands for Homes Against Naughty Guys. Over the last six years we’ve completely secured the US borders, we’ve confiscated millions of nail clippers—now these hanging plant cameras will seal our victory in the war.”

The plants come in three varieties: Spider, Fuchsia, and Purple Heart (the latter already a housewife favorite). Each does need to be watered, and if short on nutrients the camera emits an audio clip which says, “Feed me or the terrorists will see me.”

SNS, greatly impressed with Mrs. Anderson’s War on Terror credentials, asked whether she had ever considered further efforts such as buying a firearm, stockpiling emergency food, or visiting a wounded US soldier. With a watering can in hand and a smile on her face, she said: “Well, I’ve certainly already done my part—and look, O’Reilly comes on in five minutes.”

The incident began with a simple question during a classroom discussion about the American primary election process. When asked by sixth grader Karen Arness to explain the meaning of the term “caucus,” rookie teacher Marcus Perendev incorrectly defined it as Latin for “male private parts.”

It’s easy to understand the importance of teaching our future generations Latin. What’s difficult to comprehend is the apparently dwindling source of qualified teachers. Put on a two-week paid leave, Perendev apologized for the error but protested his suspension, saying, “Political discussion amongst sixth graders is pointless because the children can’t vote.”

But one group of mothers, incensed over the intrusion of sex education into a Latin class, is circulating a petition demanding Perendev’s firing. The organization, known as iVote, stresses the importance of political discussion amongst middle-schoolers by associating computer voting machines with popular youth-oriented entertainment sources.

“We tell the kids that voting isn’t something to be scared of, that’s it’s just as easy as surfing your favorite website or picking your favorite song to listen to in your Ipod,” explains iVote member Kathy Funnel.

It will be some years before we know if iVote’s strategy will work in encouraging children to join the American political system and fully understand its subtleties.

Kevin Federline, former husband of celebrity singer and neo-paparazzi skinhead Brittany Spears, was seen partying with none other than Paris Hilton over the Martin Luther King Holiday Bash weekend.

The announcement sent shockwaves that rippled through the pavement on Wall Street, causing the market to soar a reality-denying 2%, yet another reflection of Americans’ general ignorance of the current state of our economy.

One trader told SNS, “I can’t blame him. He’s K-Fed, you know? His hip hop career hasn’t blown up but he still gets a lot of hot girls. Knowing that makes people want to invest in the market.”

Federline appears to have inherited this Stock Market Mojo from pro golfer Tiger Woods, whose tournament wins or losses in the early years of the century determined the direction of the markets on Mondays.

A poll conducted last week showed that 99% of Americans were totally unaware of any signs of a recession in the first place. The recession ranked last in reported awareness after the dominant news stories of the week, including the Blu-Ray vs. HD-DVD battle and the death of actor Heath Ledger, best known for his portrayal of the prototypical American frontiersman: a homosexual cowboy.

According to Fed spokesman Ted Grenderson, “For nearly 100 years our private conglomeration of banks has stood as a storm wall protecting the US economy. It really was an easy decision to come to Al’s aid when we saw his business was failing.”

And just hours before press time, SNS has learned that Billy Morse, who lives five houses down the street from Al, will also receive $85 million to prop up his poorly run lemonade stand.

“AT&T is behaving like a crazy ex-girlfriend who works for a telemarketer. I used to have cable at home, so it makes sense they’d send a flyer there. But how did they know I had a P.O. Box? One day they had a tent set up outside my building, some hot chick and a couple dorks in suits were there passing out free magnets trying to sign people up.”

Janine Portion, who works for Citizens for Fair Trade, says that AT&T’s recent mergers with SBC and Cingular are signs of a recent trend taking industry back to monopolization. “The big companies may have lost the battle of total control when it comes to the content of the internet, but by unifying at the top end, these companies will control the ‘roads’ bloggers and e-companies use to reach their audiences and customers. This a very chilling development.”

While waiting in the courthouse to make his case against AT&T, Thomas relates a recent experience with the company that still haunts him. “I had ignored all of their mailers and the tent, so one night the phone rings and the lady on the other end called to ask if I knew about the great new things they were doing over at AT&T. I said, ‘Hard as it is to believe, I’m just not interested in your amazing service.’ She just laughed.”

The culprit? Diaz, a night of drinking Corona at the apartment of a fellow illegal, and the drive home in his faded red 1985 Toyota Celica. He was involved in a one-car crash near the 405 freeway in Hawthorne, and ever since the insurance-less Diaz has received world’s best medical care free of charge.

Aware that had he sustained these injuries in any other country he likely would have died, Diaz still struggles with the reality of his lower body paralysis.

“My fellow Latinos from Central and South America,” he says, “we have always had just one wish in life. We dreamed of coming to the United States and running around all over the country.

“Now,” Diaz chokes through tears, “I will never around all over the country again. What is there to live for?”

Diane Sedgwick, veteran nurse in the area of spinal injuries, says that Diaz’s plight is very common among illegal aliens involved in drunk driving accidents.

“Over the past twenty-five years we have virtually perfected a method which restores hope to paralyzed illegals. The Midway computer game company designed a virtual reality program which simulates for the user the sensation of running around all over this country. I’m confident we’ll have Mr. Diaz off suicide watch within a month of using the simulator.”