Market Soars After Fed Lowers Standards, Bangs Paris
By Panos Ridikolos
Kevin Federline, former husband of celebrity singer and neo-paparazzi skinhead Brittany Spears, was seen partying with none other than Paris Hilton over the Martin Luther King Holiday Bash weekend.
The announcement sent shockwaves that rippled through the pavement on Wall Street, causing the market to soar a reality-denying 2%, yet another reflection of Americans’ general ignorance of the current state of our economy.
One trader told SNS, “I can’t blame him. He’s K-Fed, you know? His hip hop career hasn’t blown up but he still gets a lot of hot girls. Knowing that makes people want to invest in the market.”
Federline appears to have inherited this Stock Market Mojo from pro golfer Tiger Woods, whose tournament wins or losses in the early years of the century determined the direction of the markets on Mondays.
A poll conducted last week showed that 99% of Americans were totally unaware of any signs of a recession in the first place. The recession ranked last in reported awareness after the dominant news stories of the week, including the Blu-Ray vs. HD-DVD battle and the death of actor Heath Ledger, best known for his portrayal of the prototypical American frontiersman: a homosexual cowboy.
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