Unattractive Middle-Aged Man Goes Missing

Bernie Heller, an unattractive construction worker in his early forties, has gone missing. No local news channels from his hometown of Sand Springs, Oklahoma, have posted his face during the evening broadcasts, and appear unlikely to do so. The same goes for the local newspaper, The Sand Springs Leader.

Heller was last seen leaving Duke’s Bar two Saturdays ago by his friends Jake and Mike, and when he didn’t show up to work three days in a row his boss began to worry.

So far CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, ABC Nightly News, NBC Nightly News, and CBS Evening News have all made no inquiries into his disappearance. However, MSNBC did carry a breaking story about a sexy blond college female who lost her cell phone.

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