Third School Suing in Last Month Rocks Beverly Hills

Beverly Hills has always been known as a place where the rich relax in obscenely large and inaccessible mansions, but while the general impression is that it is exclusive to movie stars, events this past month have proven otherwise. Three times since April 14th, a child of a rich lawyer has sued one of his classmates.

“It’s just awful,” laments Latin teacher Horace Stanley. “This used to be such a tight-knit community of Hollywood’s spoiled rich kids. At worst you’d get the occasional overdose or car crash, but now with these lawyers living in every third house it’s just not the same.”

Any minor confrontation that used to be part of the growing up process is now grounds for a lawsuit. On April 14th at Beverly Hills Elementary, lawyer Brett Dorff’s son sued actor Brad Ames’s son Jeremy for not picking him in a game kickball, alleging “skills discrimination.” Just a week later at Beverly Hills High, rocker Dave Diller’s son Skylarkmatic was sued by lawyer Toby Lovitz’s daughter Hillary for “crimes against humanity,” after he allegedly asked her on a date.

And so the community, still reeling after this one-two punch of the lethal legalese that is killing this country one frivolous lawsuit at a time, was simply not ready for another assault. But yesterday it came.

Three-year-old Simone Hanes, whose father Freddie is a Grammy-winning record producer, is alleged to have attempted “assault with a deadly weapon” when she stacked two letter blocks on the head of napping classmate Jimmy King, son of lawyer Kris King. Miss Hanes was taken into custody and released this morning on bail.

Tense and in shock after these senseless suings in its schools, the brave residents of Beverly Hills are bracing for the worst—though some are weighing the alternatives.

“Well, I’ve thought about home schooling my boys or, God forbid, transferring them to public school,” says actress mom Diane Moore. “If those are my choices though, I’d probably just let them grow up illiterate.”

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