American Housewives Receive Free Hanging Plant Spy Cams To Fight Terror
Cathy Anderson remembers the paralyzing fear and devastating sorrow she felt in wake of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. In the last six-plus years, while American armed forces have battled mustachioed enemies thousands of miles away, this Republican housewife has done her own tour of duty in the War on Terror. She tunes […]
Osama Bin Laden Touts Just For Men Endorsement In Latest Video
Osama Bin Laden, the world’s reigning Boogeyman for the past six years, has conveniently emerged from three years of seclusion just in time to scare complacent and skeptical Americans on the eve of another 9/11 anniversary. But while his rambling about taxes, Islam, and global warming are impressive enough, nothing has proven as soul-chilling […]
Al-Qaeda Cell Successfully Completes Mitosis
FBI agents in Orlando reported this week that a 23-member Al-Qaeda terrorist cell has just completed mitosis and could begin cytokinesis at a moment’s notice. As a sign of the cell’s inner strength and cohesion, the additional 23 terrorists materialized completely unbeknownst to the agents surveilling the safe-house.
“It seems to have happened overnight, right […]
Something Very Bad Is About To Happen, So Here’s An Article About Princess Diana
Government officials have been talking very seriously about the possibility of a terrorist attack this summer. The US economy is doing so poorly that the dollar is virtually on par with the lowly Canadian dollar. With so much to worry about and so many serious possibilities to consider and prepare for, Superior News Service […]
Chertoff Terror Risk Warning Stems From ‘Butt Feeling’
After facing a day of heat since declaring an increased terror threat in the US, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff admitted this afternoon that it was simply a “butt feeling.”
“We all know that since I hold dual American and Israeli citizenship that my allegiance is not to be trusted,” Chertoff began. “Therefore I am full […]
Radical Surfers Feared Plotting Awesome Beach Day
The Department of Homeland Security has raised the terror threat level to “Almost Plausible” today after someone overheard a cell phone conversation which contained the shocking plans for what experts are calling an “explosive event.”
Piecing together the sketchy details, government officials say that Malibu resident and longtime surfer Kyle Otto is planning “an awesome Saturday […]
Al-Qaeda Apparently Still Unaware That The US-Mexico Border is Wide Fucking Open, Or Something
Nearly six years after the US government and media proclaimed that Al-Qaeda, the hate-filled international terrorist network obsessed with destroying America, committed the atrocious attacks of 9/11, the country’s southern border with Mexico remains wide open. Now, while this would seem like a very obvious means to sneak an uncountable number of terrorists into […]
TSA Screeners Find Suspicious Poo Poo Jammed Up Passenger’s Rectum
Authorities at Roanoke Regional Airport have held local resident James Vernon in custody after TSA screeners caught him trying to board a flight to Atlanta with over two pounds of poo poo stuffed in his rectum. An alert screener saw Mr. Vernon make a “funny face” as he was passing through the metal detector […]
Tenet Outraged by Bush’s Misquote of “White Men Can’t Jump” Reference
Saying that he was only talking about a pivotal scene from the Hollywood classic “White Man Can’t Jump,” former CIA director George Tenet alleges in his new book that the Bush administration intentionally took his words out of context in order to justify the 2003 invasion of Iraq.
“I said to the President, ‘And then Wesley […]
Public Parks on High Alert for Picnic Basket Nukes
Mexican birthday parties, hungry ants, homeless men pushing shopping carts full of cans, and jogging homosexuals may be the first line of defense in stopping the next false-flag terrorist attack in America—because last week two prototypes of the CIA’s secret Picnic Basket Nuke Program went missing.
“The plan was very simple,” says a CIA agent who […]