Market Soars After Fed Lowers Standards, Bangs Paris
By Panos Ridikolos
Kevin Federline, former husband of celebrity singer and neo-paparazzi skinhead Brittany Spears, was seen partying with none other than Paris Hilton over the Martin Luther King Holiday Bash weekend.
The announcement sent shockwaves that rippled through the pavement on Wall Street, causing the market to soar a reality-denying 2%, yet another reflection of Americans’ […]
Fed Gives Struggling Local Business $2 Billion Cash Infusion
Al’s Tire Shop in Wichita Falls, TX, has fallen on hard times over the past two years, seeing a 35% drop in business in the past six months alone. So the Federal Reserve is stepping in with a $2 billion cash infusion before things really get out of hand.
According to Fed spokesman Ted Grenderson, “For […]
With Stocks Sharply Down, Brokers Around The Nation Rub Their Heads
In the wake of today’s brutal 311 point loss on the DOW, thousands of stock brokers around the nation were caught on camera sighing while rubbing their heads. The condition, known among financial aficionados as Gonna-have-to-find-a-real-profession-phobia, appears spontaneously every time stocks suddenly fall.
“There goes the house in Maui,” a distraught Peter Lyter was overhead […]
Federal Reserve Feared Developing New Weapon of Mass Currency Deflation
It may have taken the Federal Reserve almost one hundred years to deflate the American dollar by 95%, but economic-terrorism experts fear its masterminds may be developing a new weapon of mass currency deflation in order to finally kill it off.
The all-powerful Fed, the private company signed into law two days before Christmas in 1913 […]
Mother’s Day Seen as Crucial Boost for US Economy
Economists around the country are hoping a successful Mother’s Day shopping season will help boost the struggling US economy.
“Look at it this way,” financial analyst Steve Clerk says. “You’ve got hundreds of thousands of cards, flowers, and miscellaneous junk gifts being bought in a very short period of time, in addition to all the normal […]
Bankrupt Landscaper Now Regrets Naming Business “Marquis de Sod”
Citing a complete lapse of judgment, a longtime Cincinnati landscaper now regrets having named his new independent venture after a clever rendering of the scandalous libertine, the Marquis de Sade.
“I don’t even know what I was thinking,” a broke and in-debt Steve Owens admits. “The idea came to me while lying in bed, and it […]
Americans Headed for Lower Standard of Lounging
After half a century of ever-increasing luxuries which have transformed Americans from hardworking pragmatists to gorging couch potatoes, the party is finally about to end.
Citing a collapsing dollar, a dismantled industrial base, enormous personal and national debt, and a woefully uneducated and useless younger generation, experts believe Americans will soon have to get used to […]