Human Body Participates in 55 Trillion Cell March
The human body belonging to Reno resident Leopold Krane staged a 55 trillion cell march near city hall yesterday. Distal tubule cells, ductulus efferens ciliated cells, pericyte cells, and olfactory receptor neuron cells were among the countless microscopic parts which contributed to the largest march ever since human recorded history began some several hundred […]
Children Of Chinese Migrating To US Through Mexico Refusing to Learn Spanish
Jenny Xu is furious at her two children, Lang and Chiu. The family fled from mainland China after her husband Yi was imprisoned for publishing a banned pamphlet, and is now sneaking through Mexico on her way to the United States. But her children refuse to learn the language of their new country.
“All the […]
Big Brother’s Weekly Visit Not Enough To Leave Lasting Positive Impact On Inner City Teen’s Life
Fourteen-year-old Emilio Cortez’s father is in prison, his mother is addicted to drugs, and he lives in a rundown section of Los Angeles several miles from the University of Southern California. When Indiana native Carey Smith signed on to be his Big Brother six months ago, hopes were high—now, with Cortez under suspicion for car […]
Study: Every 13 Seconds Someone In US Sets Off His Own Car Alarm
In a definitive and exhaustive survey of drivers across the country, the New Hampshire-based Center for Automotive Research has conclusively proven that American drivers are virtually incapable of operating the very anti-theft devices that were invented, implemented, and installed to deter criminals. The proof: every 13 seconds someone trying to lock or get into his […]
Guy Still Uses E-mail Address With “2000″ In It
Back in 1997 Kyle Mearson created a personal e-mail account which showed his excitement about the coming millennial celebrations: bigkyle2000@aol.com. Now, nearly seven years after that fateful date, he still uses this same e-mail address, much to the perplexity and concern of his friends.
Kristine Young sums up their opinion: “He was 16 at the […]
Man Dispatches Tattered Pair Of Boxer Shorts With Full Military Honors
At sunset on Sunday evening, systems analyst Seth Patrick took the time to honor a fallen comrade: a pair of checkered boxer shorts which had lasted for six years.
“Those boxers saw me through the end of college, several girlfriends, a move halfway across the county, countless farts—and all the while only getting softer and softer,” […]
Condoms From Dollar Store Probably Not Worth The Savings
Fresh out of college, Earl Martin moved to the Los Angeles area last month to pursue a career in screenwriting. He packed his life into his 1997 Nissan Maxima and moved into a studio apartment in North Hollywood, where rent is high and decent-paying jobs for fresh American imports are scarce. That’s why discovering […]
Native Americans Defile Ancient Dinosaur Burial Ground
According to a dinosaur rights activist, the Northern Arapaho Indian tribe is guilty of defiling a sacred ancient dinosaur burial ground two years ago when it expanded the Wind River Casino in Riverton, Wyoming.
“These dinosaurs rested peacefully for tens of millions of years before being disturbed and corrupted by greedy casino owners,” proclaims Gillian Carmichael, […]
With Rubber Yellow Bracelets Dying Out, Fad Industry Seeks New Stupid Trend
The Livestrong wristband, a stupid yellow rubber bracelet that the Lance Armstrong Foundation created in 2004 to promote cancer awareness and research, has sold 70 million units to date as well as having spawned an obnoxious industry of spin-off “cause” wristbands. However, after three successful years of proving how suggestible people are regarding fashion […]
Parrot Really Enjoying Owner’s Subscription to Miami Herald
Ajay, the South American parrot belonging to Coral Gables resident Harold Strong, has sworn his allegiance to the Miami Herald. This according to Strong, who says that after every tasty meal of nuts and dried fruits, “Ajay drops a wet green poop onto the newspaper at bottom of his cage. The Miami Herald […]