Best Buy Shoppers Participate in Decathlon for 10 Dollar Rebates
For years Best Buy has received complaints from customers about its rebate program. Typical critiques of the process were that it took too long to receive refund checks—sometimes as long as ten weeks—and that the requirement to send in the actual product barcode was unrealistic when most people throw away their packaging. So this […]
American Housewives Receive Free Hanging Plant Spy Cams To Fight Terror
Cathy Anderson remembers the paralyzing fear and devastating sorrow she felt in wake of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. In the last six-plus years, while American armed forces have battled mustachioed enemies thousands of miles away, this Republican housewife has done her own tour of duty in the War on Terror. She tunes […]
Illegal Alien Paralyzed In Drunk Driving Accident Laments That He Will Never Again Run Around All Over This Country
Guillermo Diaz, a twenty-three-year-old Mexican citizen who came into the United States illegally two years ago, lies immobilized at a Los Angeles County hospital. His spine is severely damaged and he is not expected to walk again.
The culprit? Diaz, a night of drinking Corona at the apartment of a fellow illegal, and the drive […]
Man Creates Universal Parking Permit at Kinko’s
Fed up with paying for parking at work, the mall, the stadium, and on the street, Los Angeles resident Kirk McDowell took matters into his own hands last week when he drove to a local Kinko’s and printed out a laminated Universal Parking Permit.
“I can’t tell you how many tickets I’ve gotten parking on the […]
Photographer Snaps Picture Of Homeless Man, All Social Problems Solved
When Max Reid saw a shoeless homeless man lying in the grass last week, the freelance photographer knew what an opportunity had presented itself. With little fanfare he whipped out his Canon EOS 12.8 Mega Pixel Digital Camera and snapped the shot soon to be heard round the world.
Three days later the Denver Post […]
Sex Offenders Register For A Chance To Win
Los Angeles County has taken a bold step in trying to keep tabs on its mushrooming sex offender population. Between now and the end of the month, all sex offenders who submit their information to the county’s database will also automatically be registered for a chance to win a children’s tricycle.
“The idea behind the […]
Unattractive Middle-Aged Man Goes Missing
Bernie Heller, an unattractive construction worker in his early forties, has gone missing. No local news channels from his hometown of Sand Springs, Oklahoma, have posted his face during the evening broadcasts, and appear unlikely to do so. The same goes for the local newspaper, The Sand Springs Leader.
Heller was last seen leaving Duke’s Bar […]
California Wildfire Psychic Right…Again!
In yet another show of unprecedented spot-on accuracy for any type of psychic ever, California Forest Service staff psychic Joyce Owens predicted the fires that ravaged Griffith Park and Catalina Island last week.
Statistics show that in 17 of the last 17 major fires in Los Angeles County, Ms. Owens predicted each the day before […]
FBI Witness Protection Member Getting The Hang Of Anonymous Sex
Saying he’s “having the best fucking time of my entire goddamn life,” a waiter from Chicago who witnessed two men shot execution-style by drug dealers in the alley behind the restaurant where he worked, is now getting the hang of anonymous sex.
“I used to introduce myself to women, ask them on a date, have long […]
Marching Band Baton Twirler “Off In Her Own World”
After the first two home games of the Edison Knights football season it was clear that Tammy James, baton twirler for the marching band, was “off in her own world.” That according to pretty much anyone who actually bothered to watch the halftime show rather than use the restroom, smoke a joint, or convert […]