Unattractive Middle-Aged Man Goes Missing
Bernie Heller, an unattractive construction worker in his early forties, has gone missing. No local news channels from his hometown of Sand Springs, Oklahoma, have posted his face during the evening broadcasts, and appear unlikely to do so. The same goes for the local newspaper, The Sand Springs Leader.
Heller was last seen leaving Duke’s Bar […]
Man Cited for Driving While Black Has A Long History of DWB’s
When Reading, PA, resident Robert Washington was pulled over by police late Monday morning, he already knew what he had done wrong. The African-American Washington has at least 22 Driving While Black citations, according to the local DMV.
“What can I say?” pleads the 30-year-old file clerk. “I have a car, a job I need to […]
Out of Office, Tony Blair Struggling To Leave That Stupid Grin Behind
It’s been two weeks since Tony Blair stepped down from his longtime post as British Prime Minister, but sources say he is still having trouble leaving certain aspects of the past behind.
Star Telegram staffer Hugh Connelly reports that, “Mr. Blair understood that after ten years in office he had become accustomed to a great many […]
Older Homosexual Administers First AIDS To New Trophy Boyfriend
When 45-year-old Jeremy Acres returned to his bedroom after slipping into something more comfortable to find his 18-year-old date Tyler Tubbs naked and breathing passionately on the bed, the HIV-positive former lifeguard knew what to do.
He immediately threw off his silk bathrobe, dove under the sheets, and performed life-taking first AIDS. When mouth-to-mouth only […]
Playing Tit For Tat With Israel, Muslim World Launches “Death Wish Palestine” Program
Taking a cue from the Zionist organization Birthright Israel, which sponsors trips to the Holy Land for young adult Jews, Muslim leaders seeking to institute their own version of the program have launched Death Wish Palestine.
The new program aims to increase young Muslims’ sense of solidarity and identity by showing them many of the sacred […]
Man Loses Mild Skirmish With Cancer
Terrance Hill of Baltimore passed away last night after a mild skirmish with cancer. The divorced office manager was 38 years old.
Mr. Hill was diagnosed with stomach cancer eight months ago but repeatedly postponed treatment sessions. But finally, two weeks ago he reported to Maryland General Hospital seeking relief for grinding intestinal pain which […]
Greatcock Furniture Hopes to Dethrone Industry Leader Badcock
With over 300 retail locations in seven southeastern states, Badcock Home Furniture is an industry powerhouse. The W.S. Badcock Corporation, established in 1904 in Mulberry, Florida, credits its strength to a strong network of dealer owned and operated stores.
But now Greatcock Furniture, a burgeoning rival retail chain, hopes to dethrone the reigning champ. Founded […]
Condoms From Dollar Store Probably Not Worth The Savings
Fresh out of college, Earl Martin moved to the Los Angeles area last month to pursue a career in screenwriting. He packed his life into his 1997 Nissan Maxima and moved into a studio apartment in North Hollywood, where rent is high and decent-paying jobs for fresh American imports are scarce. That’s why discovering […]
Native Americans Defile Ancient Dinosaur Burial Ground
According to a dinosaur rights activist, the Northern Arapaho Indian tribe is guilty of defiling a sacred ancient dinosaur burial ground two years ago when it expanded the Wind River Casino in Riverton, Wyoming.
“These dinosaurs rested peacefully for tens of millions of years before being disturbed and corrupted by greedy casino owners,” proclaims Gillian Carmichael, […]
Heavy Metal Music Blamed for All-Day Apartment Cleaning
It was a gruesome scene Saturday morning at the Sacramento apartment shared by Aaron Mills, 24, and Brett Kelly, 22. The pair had hosted a birthday party for Kelly’s girlfriend Maya the night before, and the bachelor pad was now a wasteland of beer cans, pizza boxes, and spilled potato chips.
But six hectic hours […]