Al-Qaeda Cell Successfully Completes Mitosis
FBI agents in Orlando reported this week that a 23-member Al-Qaeda terrorist cell has just completed mitosis and could begin cytokinesis at a moment’s notice. As a sign of the cell’s inner strength and cohesion, the additional 23 terrorists materialized completely unbeknownst to the agents surveilling the safe-house.
“It seems to have happened overnight, right […]
With Stocks Sharply Down, Brokers Around The Nation Rub Their Heads
In the wake of today’s brutal 311 point loss on the DOW, thousands of stock brokers around the nation were caught on camera sighing while rubbing their heads. The condition, known among financial aficionados as Gonna-have-to-find-a-real-profession-phobia, appears spontaneously every time stocks suddenly fall.
“There goes the house in Maui,” a distraught Peter Lyter was overhead […]
Man Creates Universal Parking Permit at Kinko’s
Fed up with paying for parking at work, the mall, the stadium, and on the street, Los Angeles resident Kirk McDowell took matters into his own hands last week when he drove to a local Kinko’s and printed out a laminated Universal Parking Permit.
“I can’t tell you how many tickets I’ve gotten parking on the […]
Photographer Snaps Picture Of Homeless Man, All Social Problems Solved
When Max Reid saw a shoeless homeless man lying in the grass last week, the freelance photographer knew what an opportunity had presented itself. With little fanfare he whipped out his Canon EOS 12.8 Mega Pixel Digital Camera and snapped the shot soon to be heard round the world.
Three days later the Denver Post […]
Former Asylum Attendant Cashes In On Inmate’s Invention
Tyrone James, former attendant at Quincy Psychiatric Hospital in Illinois, has recently signed a patent contract with General Electric worth $3.5 million. His invention? The self-repairing incandescent light bulb. His inspiration? A deranged former scientist named Harold Edwards.
“Man, this cracker be pooping his pants talking about ‘eternal bulbs’ and shit. Once he tried to fight […]
Something Very Bad Is About To Happen, So Here’s An Article About Princess Diana
Government officials have been talking very seriously about the possibility of a terrorist attack this summer. The US economy is doing so poorly that the dollar is virtually on par with the lowly Canadian dollar. With so much to worry about and so many serious possibilities to consider and prepare for, Superior News Service […]
Sex Offenders Register For A Chance To Win
Los Angeles County has taken a bold step in trying to keep tabs on its mushrooming sex offender population. Between now and the end of the month, all sex offenders who submit their information to the county’s database will also automatically be registered for a chance to win a children’s tricycle.
“The idea behind the […]
Man Does Not Find ABC Drama Thought-Provoking Enough To Come Out Of Coma
Carl Henderson was injured in car accident last fall which left him in a coma. His wife Angela has sat beside him daily at the Centreville, Virginia, trauma facility where he has been receiving treatment. As painful as it has been for Mrs. Henderson to see her husband incapacitated, she finds it more […]
Israel Opens First Sane Asylum
Despite existing for over 50 years in one of the all around craziest places on earth, Israel has been forced to open its first sane asylum to deal with the burgeoning population of cognitively functional citizens. Many of the patients indicate a desire to leave the country for more peaceful areas of the world.
Psychologist […]
Man Dispatches Tattered Pair Of Boxer Shorts With Full Military Honors
At sunset on Sunday evening, systems analyst Seth Patrick took the time to honor a fallen comrade: a pair of checkered boxer shorts which had lasted for six years.
“Those boxers saw me through the end of college, several girlfriends, a move halfway across the county, countless farts—and all the while only getting softer and softer,” […]