Scottish-Americans Rediscover Their Roots, Honor Victims of Kilt Famine
While most people are familiar with the Great Potato Famine that ravaged Ireland in the 1840s and spearheaded a wave of immigration the United States, few remember an equally disastrous epidemic that struck its neighbors across the sea some twenty-five years later. That’s why today Scottish-Americans seek to promote awareness about the Great Kilt Famine [...]
USPS Announces New Testicular Cancer Stamp
This May 14th men’s rights groups around the country will celebrate a long sought victory: when the United States Postal Service raises its rates for the fifth time since 2001, included in the release will be the Testicular Cancer Stamp. “The USPS currently has three fundraising stamps,” says Todd White, founder of End Emasculation Now, [...]
Federal Reserve Feared Developing New Weapon of Mass Currency Deflation
It may have taken the Federal Reserve almost one hundred years to deflate the American dollar by 95%, but economic-terrorism experts fear its masterminds may be developing a new weapon of mass currency deflation in order to finally kill it off. The all-powerful Fed, the private company signed into law two days before Christmas in [...]
Would-Be Fiancée Not Impressed By Activist Boyfriend’s Lollipop Ring
A political activist obsessed with global human rights issues is experiencing a human relations disaster with his longtime girlfriend after proposing to her using a diamond-shaped lollipop ring instead of the real thing. “Companies like De Beers in South Africa have warehouses full diamonds stockpiled,” an energized Cory Matthews explains. “They have a monopoly on [...]
Mother’s Day Seen as Crucial Boost for US Economy
Economists around the country are hoping a successful Mother’s Day shopping season will help boost the struggling US economy. “Look at it this way,” financial analyst Steve Clerk says. “You’ve got hundreds of thousands of cards, flowers, and miscellaneous junk gifts being bought in a very short period of time, in addition to all the [...]
Satanic Israeli Death Metal Band Drops Inverted Star of David From Logo
Citing frustration with people “just not getting it,” David Kataan aka Lord of Goatness, vocalist for Israeli death metal band Ooze of Centuries, has decided they will drop the inverted Star of David from its logo on their next demo. “All the Scandinavian death and black metal bands pretty much covered the anti-Christian thing, I [...]
FBI Witness Protection Member Getting The Hang Of Anonymous Sex
Saying he’s “having the best fucking time of my entire goddamn life,” a waiter from Chicago who witnessed two men shot execution-style by drug dealers in the alley behind the restaurant where he worked, is now getting the hang of anonymous sex. “I used to introduce myself to women, ask them on a date, have [...]
Frequent Tooth Fairy Visits Small Consolation for Meth Addicts
22-year-old Janice Smith thought she had seen the last of the Tooth Fairy some ten or twelve years ago when her last molar came in. But having become addicted to crystal meth since she started dating fellow addict Brian Jennings last October, she’s lost six teeth and three more are on brink of falling out. [...]
Marching Band Baton Twirler “Off In Her Own World”
After the first two home games of the Edison Knights football season it was clear that Tammy James, baton twirler for the marching band, was “off in her own world.” That according to pretty much anyone who actually bothered to watch the halftime show rather than use the restroom, smoke a joint, or convert to [...]
Top Accounting Firm To Hold Annual Document-Shredding Party
Barnes & Birmingham, one of the nation’s leading corporate accounting firms, will be holding its annual document-shredding gala this Friday night at its New York headquarters. “This really is a special night for us,” says company president Martin Barnes. “It’s a chance for all the CEOs to meet and greet, talk shop, and shred the [...]