Two US Toddlers Captured by Enemy Father
This past Wednesday afternoon in Des Moines, two US toddlers were captured while playing in the backyard. Sources say that the insurgent who took them prisoner was one of the children’s fathers, who is upset over custody terms in ongoing divorce proceedings.
In the past something like this was called a kidnapping and local law […]
Al-Qaeda Apparently Still Unaware That The US-Mexico Border is Wide Fucking Open, Or Something
Nearly six years after the US government and media proclaimed that Al-Qaeda, the hate-filled international terrorist network obsessed with destroying America, committed the atrocious attacks of 9/11, the country’s southern border with Mexico remains wide open. Now, while this would seem like a very obvious means to sneak an uncountable number of terrorists into […]
California Wildfire Psychic Right…Again!
In yet another show of unprecedented spot-on accuracy for any type of psychic ever, California Forest Service staff psychic Joyce Owens predicted the fires that ravaged Griffith Park and Catalina Island last week.
Statistics show that in 17 of the last 17 major fires in Los Angeles County, Ms. Owens predicted each the day before […]
Wary Of Ethical Concerns, Desperate Family Turns To Apple Stem Cell Research
Nine-year-old Timothy Crane has been suffering the ravages of a brain tumor for almost three years, and fearing that his young body can’t hold out much longer the boy’s desperate family is turning to an unlikely source for a cure: apple stem cell research.
“We’re not a particularly religious family,” says father Alan Crane. “However, my […]
Man Takes Second Job To Pay For All The Toilet Paper His Girlfriend Uses
Three months after moving in with his girlfriend of one year, Minneapolis resident David Greene has been forced to take a second part-time job in order to pay for her toilet paper habit.
“I just can’t believe how much Julie goes through in a week,” an exasperated Greene explains. “Of all the things I imagined that […]
It’s Officially Summer: Washington Post Displays Front Page Photo of Black Children Playing Around Open Fire Hydrant
After several false starts punctuated by warm weekdays followed by mild and rainy weekends, SNS can now confirm that summer officially began as of this morning. That’s because today The Washington Post’s front page featured a large photo of black children playing around an open fire hydrant.
The spike in temperatures yesterday in the District of […]
Goth Punk in Expensive Leather Outfit Waits Patiently at Crosswalk
Contrary to the unwritten protocols, local goth-punk Luke Anderson obediently pressed the crosswalk button and waited for the light to change before crossing the street on his way to Starbuck’s for his favorite coffee beverage.
Two fellow self-inflicted outcasts, calling themselves Rat and Kevvo, witnessed this highly offensive demonstration of poseur-like behavior and proceeded to beat […]
Wife Enters Third Bad-Haircut Phase
Last Saturday at Glamour Paramour Salon, Marnie Wilkins officially entered her third bad-haircut phase since getting married five years ago. Adapting remnants of the previous phase—which featured long hair all around except for the bangs, which were cut obscenely short and virtually plastered to the forehead—Marnie decided to “just chop it all off and […]
Immigrant Female Shoppers Just Love America’s Free Shopping Carts!
Of all the many freebies and perks that entice women to emigrate to America—legally or otherwise—nothing is proving more popular or functional than the shopping carts provided free of charge each visit by grocery stores.
“In my country,” says Armenian mom Bela Dojdojian, “you must carry the bags home from store. But in America you […]
California Man Fights Off Intruder With Locked Gun Case
Chula Vista resident Ryan Emerson legally owns a Remington 12 gauge shotgun—so when someone broke into his home on Monday night he immediately went to retrieve it so as to protect his family.
California law mandates that firearms be stored with a cable lock through the action, and that ammunition be stored separately, also locked. […]