Bankrupt Landscaper Now Regrets Naming Business “Marquis de Sod”
Citing a complete lapse of judgment, a longtime Cincinnati landscaper now regrets having named his new independent venture after a clever rendering of the scandalous libertine, the Marquis de Sade.
“I don’t even know what I was thinking,” a broke and in-debt Steve Owens admits. “The idea came to me while lying in bed, and it […]
Nigerian General’s Widow Applies for Welfare, Funds Still in French Bank Account and Only an American E-mail User Holds the Key
Akanke Mbooboo, wife of the late General Daren Mbooboo, has waited nearly five years for one of the twenty million Americans whom she e-mailed a generous offer regarding his frozen funds to come to her aid. With no takers she has been forced to go on the dole.
“I do not understand,” a teary-eyed Mbooboo […]
TSA Screeners Find Suspicious Poo Poo Jammed Up Passenger’s Rectum
Authorities at Roanoke Regional Airport have held local resident James Vernon in custody after TSA screeners caught him trying to board a flight to Atlanta with over two pounds of poo poo stuffed in his rectum. An alert screener saw Mr. Vernon make a “funny face” as he was passing through the metal detector […]
11-Year-Old Thai Prostitute You Banged Struggling with Algebra II
Sumalee Pomtang, the 11-year-old prostitute you banged last winter while on vacation in Bangkok, is having problems in her Algebra II class. Citing fatigue and a sore body, Sumalee simply cannot grasp the new concepts she’s been introduced to, especially the multiplication of fractions and cubing.
Speaking through an interpreter, she said, “Four nights a week […]
Jazz Improv Saxophonist Gets Exclusive Fiddle Faddle Endorsement
Sonny “Magic Fingers” Bryant, who is known for his extended improvisational saxophone solos, yesterday signed a four-year endorsement contract with tasty treat manufacturer Fiddle Faddle.
“Sonny brings to the table everything that we’re stand for,” said Fiddle Faddle president Norm Hollman, trying to speak over the barrage of notes coming from Bryant’s instrument. “There’s nothing like […]
eBay Celebrity Getting Used to Still Not Being Recognized in Public
He’s been selling vintage t-shirts full time on eBay for three years now but still no one has ever recognized Phil Alterman out and about. “It’s amazing,” the owner of user ID shirtswithballs says. “I’ll be shopping at Ralphs or partying at Red Lion and no one will come up to me and […]
Americans Headed for Lower Standard of Lounging
After half a century of ever-increasing luxuries which have transformed Americans from hardworking pragmatists to gorging couch potatoes, the party is finally about to end.
Citing a collapsing dollar, a dismantled industrial base, enormous personal and national debt, and a woefully uneducated and useless younger generation, experts believe Americans will soon have to get used to […]
Tenet Outraged by Bush’s Misquote of “White Men Can’t Jump” Reference
Saying that he was only talking about a pivotal scene from the Hollywood classic “White Man Can’t Jump,” former CIA director George Tenet alleges in his new book that the Bush administration intentionally took his words out of context in order to justify the 2003 invasion of Iraq.
“I said to the President, ‘And then Wesley […]
California Pedophiles Stock Up on Little Children as Part of Earthquake Preparedness
It lingers in the back of everyone’s mind in Southern California: what if there’s an earthquake? Am I prepared? What do I need?
For most people the list is simple: food, water, a first aid kit, toiletries—and for those with medical conditions perhaps extra doses of insulin or inhalers. But for the pedophiles of Southern California […]
Public Parks on High Alert for Picnic Basket Nukes
Mexican birthday parties, hungry ants, homeless men pushing shopping carts full of cans, and jogging homosexuals may be the first line of defense in stopping the next false-flag terrorist attack in America—because last week two prototypes of the CIA’s secret Picnic Basket Nuke Program went missing.
“The plan was very simple,” says a CIA agent who […]