At Local Gun Shop, Customers Of Different Races Peacefully Stock Up For Coming Civil War
At Gun World in Burbank, Ca, local residents of diverse backgrounds could be seen peacefully coexisting as they shopped for the high-powered rifles, shotguns, and ammunition to be used against one another after the US economy collapses and the streets erupt in a blaze of primitive rage.
Arman Dojdojian, an Armenian dry cleaner shopping for a new .40 caliber handgun, cordially made room beside the display case for fellow shopper Kurt Hoover, a Caucasian mechanic who may one day soon pulverize Dojdojian’s chest with a buckshot blast during a close quarter San Fernando Valley turf battle.
“You know,” Dojdojian says, “we’re all just good people looking to protect our families and property.”
Meanwhile Mexican-American Pablo Henriquez engages future nemesis Arthur “Cheerio” Williams, an African-American, in a knowledgeable discussion on the best scope to attach to one’s high-powered rifle. And up at the front counter, Korean-American Mike Lee gets a valuable ammunition lesson from store employee Terry Aglubub, a Filipino possibly destined to kill him with a sniper’s bullet.
As these people from all walks of life purchased big-time firearms and massive amounts of ammunition, one could feel a quiet glow blanket the bustling store, as if this colorblind commerce were fulfilling the dream of the Founding Fathers and Martin Luther King, Jr.
Human Body Participates in 55 Trillion Cell March
The human body belonging to Reno resident Leopold Krane staged a 55 trillion cell march near city hall yesterday. Distal tubule cells, ductulus efferens ciliated cells, pericyte cells, and olfactory receptor neuron cells were among the countless microscopic parts which contributed to the largest march ever since human recorded history began some several hundred years ago.
“I have always been impressed—no, wowed by the images on my TV screen of events like the Million Man March, the Million Mom March, and the Five Hundred Fag Fiesta,” said a proud Mr. Krane. “Even though I never had a cause I could relate to, I really wanted to get out there and have my own spectacular event. So I got together with the approximately 55 trillion cells in my body and we agreed to participate in this march.”
But like with all Guinness Book records, competition is fierce. Krane is a lean 160 pounds, which equates to 343,750,000,000 cells per pound—his next door neighbor Neil Ungar is over 300 pounds and threatens to march with his own 103 trillion cells if Mr. Krane doesn’t return his power drill.
Best Buy Shoppers Participate in Decathlon for 10 Dollar Rebates
For years Best Buy has received complaints from customers about its rebate program. Typical critiques of the process were that it took too long to receive refund checks—sometimes as long as ten weeks—and that the requirement to send in the actual product barcode was unrealistic when most people throw away their packaging. So this week Best Buy has finally scrapped the rebate program and replaced it with something equally as challenging but at least more immediate: the decathlon.
Spokesman Jeff Gallworthy explains: “We got the message loud and clear. Now customers will now compete in modified versions of the decathlon’s ten events in order to determine whether or not they receive the advertised rebate.”
These events include the digital camera shot put, the temporary display hurdle, and the dash to customer service. For each successfully completed event—judged against a demographically scaled result tally—the customer approaches the coveted 7 out of 10 required for the rebate.
Stay-at-home mom Jenny Kline likes the idea. “I used to send these things off and just sit agonizing over them for weeks on end, only to find out half the time I’d done something wrong. Then they want you to call customer service and explain yourself to some high school dropout anchor baby, or redo the whole process—even though you already sent in the damn UPC code! Now at least, I can go in there, give it my best shot, and it will be done with.”
Mrs. Kline was not successful in claiming her Best Buy rebate, which would have been $10 back on a $345 video game system. After a successful start she struggled with the Compact Discus Throw and never recovered.
US Postal Service Considers Taking Every Monday Off
Anyone who runs a mail-order business is painfully aware that the United States Postal Service (USPS) seems to be closed almost every other Monday, especially between Labor Day and President’s Day. Therefore it will come as no surprise that USPS officials are debating a new plan that would reduce customers’ exasperation and surprise by simply staying closed every Monday.
Spokesman Bryan Dunn says, “You have people who lose track of the holidays and so they drive all the way down to the post office, only to find that it’s closed for a wonderful celebration of our heritage. This new plan would etch in stone these wise words: Don’t go to the post office on Monday—ever.”
Mom-about-town Tina Cryer loves the idea: “I can’t tell you how many times I am on the road when it hits me. ‘Was last Monday Martin Luther King Day, or is today President’s Day?’ The rest of the drive is like playing roulette, red or black, no whammies, big bucks!”
But JR Callahan, who runs an Ebay antiques business, is unimpressed with the plan. “You know, I bust my butt finding inventory, listing auctions, shipping out fast, and generally providing great customer service. No salary, no bene’s (benefits), no paid days off—and these clowns at the post office, straight off the boat from Thailand, start at sixteen, twenty bucks an hour, they get overtime, health insurance, retirement, and 26 days of combined vacation and sick leave. Now they want another goddamned day off?”
Dunn acknowledges that some customers may not like the new proposal but says “they can always go somewhere else. Wait, no they can’t! We’re a government-enforced monopoly! Hahahaha!”
Oil Reserves On Saturn’s Moon Prove Dinosaurs Had Advanced Intelligence, Space Travel
Scientists revealed recently that Saturn’s hostile orange moon Titan is rich in liquid hydrocarbons, possessing possibly hundreds of times more than the known oil and natural gas reserves on planet Earth. Oil has always been assumed to be a fossil fuel, so scientists were stumped as to how a hitherto uninhabited planetary body could come to be so full of this resource.
That’s when Danish paleontologist Jakob Jensen appeared, bearing a theory that dinosaurs were far more than the scaley, oversized housepets as portrayed in action-packed Hollywood thrillers like Jurassic Park 8: You Can’t Keep a Good Species Down.
“For many years of independent research I have been ignored and ridiculed,” Jensen explains, “but finally here is some definitive proof of what I have been saying: the dinosaurs not only had advanced intelligence, they were capable of space travel. The abundant fossil fuel on Saturn’s moon Titan reveals that this place must have been where they all went after getting bored with Earth. I never accepted the meteor theory anyway.”
Jensen believes sometime around 70 million years ago an immense convoy of Dino-Saucers took the entire array of dinosaur species across space to Titan, where they lived and played for perhaps another 10-30 million years before realizing that there was no air to breathe or vegetation to eat. He says the fossils we find on Earth today are from other dinosaurs that had “died previously of natural causes.”
Other controversial scientists say the Titan discovery gives credence to the idea that oil is abiotic, that it is a naturally occurring substance. They cite
“You think if dinosaurs can travel through space they can’t dig a hole? They probably were researching the inner workings of the planetary core.”
American Housewives Receive Free Hanging Plant Spy Cams To Fight Terror
Cathy Anderson remembers the paralyzing fear and devastating sorrow she felt in wake of the
This week Mrs. Anderson assumed another bold responsibility by joining the vanguard of American homes to place innocuous-looking hanging plants which house a hidden camera, distributed by Department of Homeland Security.
“We’ve got to do our part to fight the terrorists,” she says. “You never know where they might be hiding—on the couch, in the pantry, even in the coat closet waiting for the right time to strike! Now I feel safer…and I’m helping my country.”
DHS spokesman Kenneth Fast explained the new program’s logistics: “We’re calling it the HANG Program, which stands for Homes Against Naughty Guys. Over the last six years we’ve completely secured the
The plants come in three varieties: Spider, Fuchsia, and Purple Heart (the latter already a housewife favorite). Each does need to be watered, and if short on nutrients the camera emits an audio clip which says, “Feed me or the terrorists will see me.”
SNS, greatly impressed with Mrs. Anderson’s War on Terror credentials, asked whether she had ever considered further efforts such as buying a firearm, stockpiling emergency food, or visiting a wounded
Teacher’s Caucus Blunder Turns Latin Class Into Sex Ed, Parents Offer High-Tech Solution
by Panos Ridikolos
The incident began with a simple question during a classroom discussion about the American primary election process. When asked by sixth grader Karen Arness to explain the meaning of the term “caucus,” rookie teacher Marcus Perendev incorrectly defined it as Latin for “male private parts.”
It’s easy to understand the importance of teaching our future generations Latin. What’s difficult to comprehend is the apparently dwindling source of qualified teachers. Put on a two-week paid leave, Perendev apologized for the error but protested his suspension, saying, “Political discussion amongst sixth graders is pointless because the children can’t vote.”
But one group of mothers, incensed over the intrusion of sex education into a Latin class, is circulating a petition demanding Perendev’s firing. The organization, known as iVote, stresses the importance of political discussion amongst middle-schoolers by associating computer voting machines with popular youth-oriented entertainment sources.
“We tell the kids that voting isn’t something to be scared of, that’s it’s just as easy as surfing your favorite website or picking your favorite song to listen to in your Ipod,” explains iVote member Kathy Funnel.
It will be some years before we know if iVote’s strategy will work in encouraging children to join the American political system and fully understand its subtleties.
Market Soars After Fed Lowers Standards, Bangs Paris
By Panos Ridikolos
Kevin Federline, former husband of celebrity singer and neo-paparazzi skinhead Brittany Spears, was seen partying with none other than Paris Hilton over the Martin Luther King Holiday Bash weekend.
The announcement sent shockwaves that rippled through the pavement on Wall Street, causing the market to soar a reality-denying 2%, yet another reflection of Americans’ general ignorance of the current state of our economy.
One trader told SNS, “I can’t blame him. He’s K-Fed, you know? His hip hop career hasn’t blown up but he still gets a lot of hot girls. Knowing that makes people want to invest in the market.”
Federline appears to have inherited this Stock Market Mojo from pro golfer Tiger Woods, whose tournament wins or losses in the early years of the century determined the direction of the markets on Mondays.
A poll conducted last week showed that 99% of Americans were totally unaware of any signs of a recession in the first place. The recession ranked last in reported awareness after the dominant news stories of the week, including the Blu-Ray vs. HD-DVD battle and the death of actor Heath Ledger, best known for his portrayal of the prototypical American frontiersman: a homosexual cowboy.
Fed Gives Struggling Local Business $2 Billion Cash Infusion
Al’s Tire Shop in Wichita Falls, TX, has fallen on hard times over the past two years, seeing a 35% drop in business in the past six months alone. So the Federal Reserve is stepping in with a $2 billion cash infusion before things really get out of hand.
According to Fed spokesman Ted Grenderson, “For nearly 100 years our private conglomeration of banks has stood as a storm wall protecting the
And just hours before press time, SNS has learned that Billy Morse, who lives five houses down the street from Al, will also receive $85 million to prop up his poorly run lemonade stand.
In Wake Of Recent Ad Blitz, Man Seeks Restraining Order Against AT&T
Calling the company “psycho” and “totally obsessed with me,”
“AT&T is behaving like a crazy ex-girlfriend who works for a telemarketer. I used to have cable at home, so it makes sense they’d send a flyer there. But how did they know I had a P.O. Box? One day they had a tent set up outside my building, some hot chick and a couple dorks in suits were there passing out free magnets trying to sign people up.”
Janine Portion, who works for Citizens for Fair Trade, says that AT&T’s recent mergers with SBC and Cingular are signs of a recent trend taking industry back to monopolization. “The big companies may have lost the battle of total control when it comes to the content of the internet, but by unifying at the top end, these companies will control the ‘roads’ bloggers and e-companies use to reach their audiences and customers. This a very chilling development.”
While waiting in the courthouse to make his case against AT&T, Thomas relates a recent experience with the company that still haunts him. “I had ignored all of their mailers and the tent, so one night the phone rings and the lady on the other end called to ask if I knew about the great new things they were doing over at AT&T. I said, ‘Hard as it is to believe, I’m just not interested in your amazing service.’ She just laughed.”